Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
