Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
