How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
even my farts smell like vagina
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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