I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
