Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
