Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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