i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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