I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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