True but thats because hes a fetus.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
