Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
