Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
