I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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