After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
