Tell her she can't have a vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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