I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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