Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
