Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
