So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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