i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
