A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I didn't notice because vodka
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
