Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
