Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Drake has all the answers
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