Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
