I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
