I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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