Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
