It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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