Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
