I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize