I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
