remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
