Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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