Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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