Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
