I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
