I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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