I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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