I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize