...so i touched it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
