I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
