From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
