Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i need some magic done to my vagina
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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