I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize