Just fell off a train. Bad.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
