he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize