In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
