She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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