we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
