Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I forget how to act sober
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize