My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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