I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
