hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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