and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
