theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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