She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
